当你把希望寄托于他人时，或许就注定了要受到失望的伤痛。
我曾经相信过，甚至崇拜过一些人。把他们当作是我学习的榜样。我欣赏他们的品德，认同他们的行为方式。我希望自己有一天也能和他们一样。
可是，随着年龄的增长，我发现，这些被我敬仰着的人一样有缺点，他们一样会做出不正确的决定。甚至连我视为珍宝的品德，他们也可能为了生存的利益而舍弃了。
这时候我才发现，人没有一个是十全十美的。如果我们把期望寄托在他人身上，我们就容易失望，甚至对这世界产生绝望感。
曾经我也希望能做人们眼中十全十美的女孩。我希望成为模范，我希望通过自己的行为让人认为这世界也可以很美好，很单纯。
可是后来，我发觉，当一个好人不容易，而且真的很累。
偶尔当我放纵自己，做一些别人认为我不当做的事时，我竟然就成了千古罪人，成为了人们指指点点的对象。可是我也是人啊，我不可能永远十全十美。
我也会累的。
我只想做个平凡人。
我希望别人接受的，是真实的我，而不是他们希望看到的我。
爱，能不能没有条件？
世界能不能单纯一点？
It's holidays and I am having more time for myself. I guess this explains why I am able to compose two posts consecutively, not so much for other's reading but rather to just pen down some of my thoughts.
Firstly, I want to thank God for my results this semester. As I was saying, this had been a very hectic semester for me. And at the end of the exams period, I was almost certain that I would fail most of the modules. Yet, the Lord has performed for me another miracle and it turned out that many of my results were much better than I expected. For that I am really grateful for I know that His power is made perfect in my weakness.
In the midst of my joy, however, there is something that made me feel upset. In my post yesterday, I mentioned that there is a friend whom I dare not contact for fear that I will disrupt his busy schedule. Rationally I know I should just keep my distance and leave him to be. But on the other hand, I really treasure our friendship and wouldn't want to lose it to our busy-ness nor my own pride. Secretly I am really hoping that he will be the one to take the initiative to contact but deep down I know that it would be impossible. Much as I wouldn't like to admit it, we may lose this friendship afterall. I guess in any human relationship (be it friendship, kinship etc), if only one party is taking the effort to maintain, the relationship can never last. No, I am not trying to blame anyone for anything. I suppose everything means differently to different pple. And right now I am hoping that at least our friendship weighs enough to let him pause his work for an instant.
Often we are so busy with life that we never realise it. Yet, the truth is, time flies. I am pleasantly surprised that I have already completed one year of my undergraduate studies and is now enjoying my well-deserved (well, I would like to think that this is a well-deserved break after a long, hectic semester) holiday in an extremely warm but relatively lovely city---Beijing.
As a matter of fact, it's already one week into my holidays. The initial excitement and relief is wearing off and to be honest, I am beginning to feel bored and erm...lonely, since I am alone in my room, in a foreign land. And the fact that I have to move out by the end of this week didn't help to lift my spirits. The thought of having to move my belongings, esp my bulky washing machine, kind of makes me sick. But nonetheless, it's holidays -- a much awaited season where I can (theoretically) finish up on things I have planned to do but didn't manage to touch on during the school term.
On a sidenote, I was trying to make use of this holiday to catch up with some of my friends since I am not able to return to SG this summer. It was then that I realised that time and distance does make a difference to friendship. I am not saying that anything unhappy happened between us. Just that there is this distant feeling which I cannot put into words. It's like all of a sudden, there is no longer any common topic. I understand that both parties are working very hard to try to keep the conversation going, and it hurts me even more that despite our effort, we could hardly speak for more than fifteen minutes:(
On the other hand, there are some friends on msn who are extremely important to me. Yet, everytime I place the cursor on their names, I do not have the courage to click and start a conversation. Simply because I know they are busy and that it would be very selfish for me to bother them with my silly "hellos".
I don't know if I am making sense, but I just can't help but wonder if there is an expiry date to human relationships afterall? At different points in our lives, we come across many different people, and for a certain period of time, it seems like our lives revolve around a particular group of friends. Yet, when we move to the next phase in life, the group begin to scatter and eventually we find ourselves new company. I still remember my best friends back in primary school. Though we still try to meet up occasionally and keep in touch via msn/facebook/friendster etc, I can't help but notice that for most part of our lives now, it's another group of people who are by our sides. Well, I thought perhaps that's just part of growing up. But ultimately what pains me most is, sometimes, we may get so carried away with our present lives that we forget all about the past. Recently, I tried to re-connect with a friend. This friend was one of my dearest friend ever. Though we hadn't contacted each other for many many years, she is always an important part of my childhood memory. And stupidly, I had thought I weigh the same to her. Unfortunately, when I tried to contact her not so long ago, I was appalled to know that she no longer remembered who I am.Hmm, I don't know if this is common to all in the process of growing up, or is it just a failure on my part. Perhaps, I am such a boring friend that I hold not a single significance to others. Honestly, it hurts.
But I guess I will live with it. And though she has ceases to remember me, I will still hold my memories dear. Who knows? Maybe one day she may suddenly remember somehow...Either way, I still hope with all my heart that friendship will last forever, through the trials of time....
In the meantime, I guess I will still try to contact as many friends as possible during holidays. Whatever happens in future, at least I know I did try to keep the bond going.
Labels: random
*.* Reflections on the End of Time *.*
In 2008, the country was shaken by news of a massive earthquake in Sze Chuan. And in less than 2 years’ time, China faced yet another disaster in Yu Shu County. In fact, if we would just flip through the newspapers, we realize that in many parts of the World, there are all sorts of natural and man-made disasters taking place every now and then, not to mention those that Man have grown too accustomed to and no longer find the need to report them in the News. As Christians, apart from causing us pain and sorrow, I guess these unfortunate events serve as strong reminders to us that the end is really near.
In Matthew 24: 4-8: “Jesus answered: ‘Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ’, and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.”
There have been many speculations on exactly when Jesus will come again and recently, many seemed to have agreed on the year 2012. But we know that when the Lord comes it will be as a thief in the night, no one will know exactly when the time will be. Yet we know He is coming…and coming really soon. And I am writing this note, because the thought of His return stirred up mixed feelings within me.
On the one hand, I am filled with joy and hope that He will be coming back for us. Just as He promised, He has gone to prepare places for us and when He returns, He will fetch us to be with Him forever. And often when life gets hard, I would pray that that day would arrive sooner to put an end to present sufferings.
Yet, on the other hand, the end of time also caused me fear. For as the day draws near, man deceivers would arise. Though I have been a Christian for almost 20 years now, and have heard His Word probably since I was in my mother’s womb, I still can't help but worry that I am not ready to decipher right from wrong. In fact, the older we get, the more our ambitions and desires and thus the easier it gets for us to stray away from Him. Moreover, the deceiver often appears in sheep’s clothing, tricking us with their seemingly flawless “truths”. Can we say with certainty that that we will not be deceived? At least for me, I can’t.
In addition, each time I remember my loved ones, my relatives, friends and all the unbelievers God had put in my life, I shudder at the thought of the end. For we know then, that the door would be closed and many would be shut out. And if we agree upon 2012 (and who knows, it may just be earlier), we find that seriously, we don't have much time left. Time is ever so precious! Yet, for most of us (myself very much included), our lives are spent on everything else except spreading His love.
I am not writing this because I feel I am in any position to lecture my fellow brothers-and-sisters-in-Christ. I am writing this simply because I heard a sermon this morning regarding the end of time and it struck me so deeply that I see the need for a reflection. As the end draws near, all the more we ought to stay alert and be prepared for His coming.
愿与众弟兄姐妹们共勉,
caiyun
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
*.* Returning... *.*
I will be returning to China tomorrow morning. This trip home really makes me reluctant to leave again. It was my deepest regret that I am not able to meet many of my friends and relatives this time round and I would really like to express my heartfelt apologies.
Finally, I wish all my loved ones a happy and blessed new year and take care folks:) <3 y'all loads!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
*.* Happy Lunar New Year:D *.*
Wishing all a very happy and blessed New Year. And a happy Valentine's Day:)
祝愿大家虎年蒙恩，新年进步:) 同时也祝愿情人节快乐:D
Monday, February 08, 2010
*.* Haircut!~ *.*
Sigh, I must be out of my mind; to think that when my mum said she is bored and wants to try out hair-cutting, I didn't stop her from using me as a guinea pig! Only when she started snipping off my hair bit by bit did I realise what I've gotten myself into!
Gosh, with less than one week away from CNY, my hair is at its all time SHORT-ness! Ahh, how I wish there is a hole into which I can hide myself! Gah!
Sigh, what to do? What's done cannot be undone. Hopefully my hair can do me a favor and grow faster~
